JustAuntFern

Emergency Response Team

2007-10-03T14:21:00.001-07:00

Dear A Little Blue;
Our guess is this is the "Romantic aid" you were referring to. For most children, honesty is the best policy. Ask them what they want to know. The chances are they have already heard something at school. (At least the 8 year old probably has heard something on the playground and it is sure to be wildly inaccurate!) You are always the best source of information and you are certainly the best judge of how much your kids NEED to know. At age 8, your kiddo will probably be beginning to ask those awkward questions anyway, so a little information on ED could be wrapped into a Q&A session. The 6 year old is probably still at the very basic info stage: too much information too soon, and your little one could be the source of mis-information on the playground. You need to be the good source of information for your children. There are some wonderful books for you on how to deal with these issues out there. Please make your home the safe place to ask questions.

With love,
The Divas.

Dear Aunt Fern

2007-10-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunt Fern:

I am just so flustered! While watching television with my family the other evening an advertisement came on for one of those aids to help gentlemen who may need some assistance in the 'romantic' areas of his life. When my children, ages 6 and 8 asked what the advertisement was about, my husband made matters worse by roaring with laughter and telling them that "Daddy will never need extra lead for his #2 Pencil."
What should I do? Signed, A Little Blue in Onaway.

Dear A Little Blue:
I'm not quite sure what all the fuss is about, Dear. If there was a nice advertisement to persuade gentlemen to be more romantic, then it's a good thing your children watched it with you. Children should know that romance need not leave a healthy marriage and your husband, while being a little on the cryptic side, was quite correct in supporting the idea. Roses, candy and prayer are the keystones to many a healthy relationship.
Yours,
Fern

Response, Response

2007-09-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

I agree, heartily!

Dammit, Janet.....

Love
Kennedy

Dear Aunt Fern

2007-09-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

[Editors comment: names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved. This is a small community after all. Reminder: People, please use some restraint!]

Dear Aunt Fern;
Please help me! Recently,the young Widow Dawson moved in next door to us. Needless to say, my husband Harry has been kind enough to go over and offer his assistance to her, should she require a man's touch around the place. It didn't take too long before Harry started going over there, regular like. I ask you, how many times does a stair-rail need fixing? Or a electrical outlet testing? She's a heathen! She doesn't go to a decent Church, like proper people should. She's a Roman Catholic! I'm at my wit's end. Harry reckon's I'm not being very Christian-like, but over he goes, with his toolbox, looking to fix whatever needs a-fixin. What should I do, Aunt Fern? Signed, Suffering Sally.

Dear Suffering Sally;
Well now, you have only your fool self to blame! Did I hear any mention of good Baptist manners and you greeting your new neighbor with a homemade pie and an invitation to Sunday worship? It's not too late, now! Go, get your self together and make the best pie you can, from scratch of course. Then clean yourself up, pull yourself together, and march yourself over there, lickityspit. Once you get your foot in the Widow's door, you can see for yourself what the attraction the place has for your fool husband. To my mind, she probably has the house filled with plaster saints and religious icons he's never seen before. Works of the the foolish mind. But it's up to you to lure her from her weak and silly ways. Invite her to a prayer meeting. Bring her to one of the potluck socials. Introduce her to some of the lovely young bachelor Baptist men of the area. Failing that, there are always the Methodists. Women need women's company and you have been neglecful in your Christian duty. Harry will see that he's not needed with you there. I'm sure his toolbox will stay at home once you undertake what is needed of you.

Yours,
Aunt Fern.

Uncle Bob's Special Waffle Sauce

2007-08-31T16:59:00.000-07:00

One Part Hooch
1 Cup Sugar
1/4 cup butter

Melt butter and sugar together until clear. Add hooch slowly until perfectly bubbly and yummy.

Pour over Waffles and enjoy.

Repeat applications as needed.

(Careful the Hooch doesn't explode when near flame!!!)

Uncle Otto

2007-08-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

After all this talk of Wee Aunt Fern, you may be asking yourselves, was there an Uncle Fern. Well, yes there is. Uncle Otto.
According to family legend, he was a strapping young man, full of vim and vigor and madly, passionately in love with the headstrong Fern. However, when the call came for volunteers to World War II, he up and enlisted, much to his fiancees disgust, errr, dismay. Some say Otto returned a changed man. Oh, Fern and Otto married right enough. But the brash young man was never the same and rumors have it, he has never smiled from the day he married Fern.

Of course, we cousins have our own theories. On a dare, we've hidden around corners and listened in to private conversations. But nothing doing. We've even told our funniest jokes. He'd chuckle, but never smile. Uncle Otto is not a dour man. Even living with Aunt Fern, the bastion of all that is right and wrong hasn't soured him on life. But he just won't smile. Even Uncle Bob smiles!

The mystery was solved for us one dark and stormy night, when Uncle Otto decided to keep company with Uncle Bob and his bootleg whisky. Aunt Fern was away over night at a Ladies Prayer Retreat and for once deemed that the Uncles could look after us.

We waited until loud snoring was coming from the room Uncle Otto shared with Aunt Fern. We four girls tiptoed into the room, barely daring to breathe. Finally, we understood our Uncles' reluctance to smile and eat taffy; for sitting on the bedside table was a glass of water and inside was a handsome set of the whitest set of false teeth you can ever imagine. Vanity, thy name is Uncle Otto!

The four of us froze and without a word ran from the room. Once we reached our room, Katie immediately dove under her bed for the cache of photos she had stashed. There we did a forensic comparison that would have done an FBI agent proud. Early photos of Otto showed a very handsome young man with a slightly crooked smile. Not the perfect pearly whites we had seen floating in the water. Isabella was snorting with laughter and I was shaking my head. Uncle O. must have lost his teeth in the War, and had to wear the dentures now, but what was the big deal? But as Scarlet and Kate pointed out, Fern was probably the big deal. She would have rather had the slightly snaggle toothed, but handsome Otto who stayed at home, over the brave war-hero Otto with the perfect grin.

This type of circular logic was so typically Fern, we four nieces just shook our heads and made a pact, just to love whomever we would love, crooked teeth or no.
But it never stopped me from offering Uncle Otto caramels, evil beast that I am. I think Katie wasn't much better. Heaven only knows what Scarlet and Isabella got up to. Other cousins may have made the same discovery over time, but we four never told. It was Uncle Otto's little secret.

Love
Kennedy

Emergency Response Unit!!!!

2007-08-27T11:28:00.001-07:00

Dear Pussy in a Well:
Trust your own instincts about this man! Your Grandmother hit the nail on the head with her brand of wisdom on this. Any man who can't be gentle with pets won't be gentle and giving with you when it comes to intimacy in the bedroom.
Your Cats have been not only your friends but as a breeder, your income, your source off independence. Listen to your heart. Can you really give up what you really LOVE for someone who doesn't care enough about you to understand that?

As much as I love Aunt Fern, she is from another time, when a woman had to have a man to look after her. I ask you, would you really be happy, truly happy, if you gave up everything you've ever worked for, just on the off chance that someday you might be happy with this guy? Perhaps, but I doubt it.

Keep up the good work with your pussy's, and be happy.

Love,
Kennedy!

Ask Aunt Fern

2007-08-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Aunt Fern;

I am in a real fix. I have recently met a man and while I don't know if he is the man of my dreams, I'm not getting any younger. He appears to be a decent, hardworking sort of man and he has asked me to marry him. I'm tempted but for one thing. He doesn't like my cats. This is a big problem. I breed pussy cats for a living!

Now my late Grandmother always told me "A man who don't like cats won't like pussy." I never quite understood what she meant, since isn't that the same thing?
Oh, Aunt Fern, what should I do? My Pussy Cats have been my life, my happiness and my livihood up until now. Can I give them up for a man?
Signed: Pussy in the Well.

Dear Pussy in The Well:
Snap to Reality, Dear. Time to stop living with the cat litter and start producing some litters of your own. A man is worth more than some hairballs on the furniture! God gave you dominion over the beasts, now time for you start thinking straight. Find homes for those critters of yours or put them out in the barn to catch some mice. Make them work for a living. A nice man to look after you? When can we expect the wedding announcement?
Yours in the Lord,
Aunt Fern.

Urgent Message From Aunt Fern! (Reprinted from The Gazette)

2007-08-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

To All My Dear Readers.
I urge you all, my dears, to join me in a special time of deep prayer and Bible study. A wonderful man, a brother in the war against sin and the moral decay in this country, needs our prayers to ease his suffering. The Reverand Billy Graham has been in the news, on the television,in these trying days as I am sure you well know. Please keep him in your bosoms as you pray.
In the Lord,

Fern.

Emergency Response Unit!!

2007-08-18T15:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Fumble Fingers
To more jaded ears, it sounds as though your husband may not be interested in making love to women at all. Aunt Fern may have have things right this time. You won't be having children while playing beauty parlor.
Sit your husband down and have and honest talk to him. Find out what really does get his rockets launched. If he's getting pretty for you, that might be one thing and if you can stand it, teach him how to work the danged curling iron. But if he's really getting ready for Rudy down at the Feed'n'Save, cut your losses, much as Deliah cut Samson's hair. Time for a reality check. Your hubby is playing for a whole different team.

Ask him if he has been sexually active with other men. If so, did he practice safe sex? In any case, please, please, please, go and get YOURSELF tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Knowledge is power.

Whatever the case, please find a good marriage therapist. You owe it to yourself, dear girl, to know you are not the one out of line.

Best wishes,

Kennesdy.

Uncle Bob

2007-08-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

Aunt Fern was never a great fan of television, but for some strange reason, Star Trek was permitted. We girls were allowed to watch as the brave men and women of the Starship Enterprise hurled themselves across the Galaxy, to explore strange new worlds, fight oddly shaped pieces of plastic and foam and watch Captain Kirk narrowly avoid catching any intergalactic Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Uncle Bob would turn up like clock-work to watch Star Trek with us. His main comment generally was "They sure do have some good looking women in outer space." I still wonder if he would have enjoyed an Orion slave girl for himself, just to change to pace up a little.

To this day, Kate has a thing for men who remind her of Mr. Spock. All brain and savage willpower. Grrrrrrr. I've been known to fancy an engineer of two. "I canna hold her Captain....." Scarlet has more...exotic tastes. Isabella is more like a dedicated Romulan warrior at times, when she gets her dander up.

As for Uncle Bob, well, I'm sure the full sized framed poster of the Orion Slave girl I sent him a couple of years ago is still keeping him smiling while he watches the repeats on his DVD collection we four Divas sent him for his birthday.

Aunt Fern did not approve.

Love
Kennedy.

Emergency Response Unit!!!

2007-08-14T14:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Puppy Love:
Ask yourself quite honestly, If you were on a deserted Island for two months, just who should go to the kennel?
I think you know any man who tells you to get rid of your dog AFTER the wedding is going to be hell on earth to live with. Think seriously now, sister.

Love,
The Divas.

(PS: We can always get you in touch with some good help lines if you need them.)

Dear Aunt Fern

2007-08-14T14:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Aunt Fern:
My new Husband, Bobby, doesn't like my dog. What should I do?
Signed, Puppy Love.

Dear Puppy Love:
You should take take your dog to the nearest vetenarians clinics and have it put to sleep. The dog won't suffer and neither will your husband. You should have thought about this before you married your poor man! Silly girl!
Now, pray about being a good and loving wife.
Love
Aunt Fern.

Emergency Repsonse Unit!!!

2007-08-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

Advice from the Divas:

Dear In a Jam:
Have you ever touched your bum and anal area and enjoyed the sensation? If your have tried a little gentle exploration, then go ahead and buy some K-Y Jelly (OH yeah, Trademarks all over the place) and experiment some more. If you can relax enough to think you might enjoy your hubby touching you, then yes, anal could be something you try together. But keep in mind readers: No man can just insist on a sexual practice that is potentially painful and if done incorrectly, harmful.
Love
The Darling Divas.

Dear Aunt Fern

2007-08-14T14:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Aunt Fern:
My husband wants to have anal sex with me. He tells me many men want this and do this with this wives. He tells me he will uses jelly! Signed,
In A Jam.

Dear In a Jam:
Well Dear, I'm just not sure what your talking about, but as far as I'm concerned, jelly belongs on a cracker! If you serve your hubby up jelly and crackers with his coffee or tea, you'll be sure to keep him happy.
Love,
Aunt Fern.

An introduction to Classic "Dear Aunt Fern,"

2007-08-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

As I wrote earlier, Our Tia Fern, as Isabella calls her, has a small but dedicated following in her local weekly newspaper.

In subsequent days, we hope to to bring you the best of the best of the "Aunt Fern Replies." Some are amusing, some just off the mark, and some frankly astonishing.

If you, dear reader, have any questions for Aunt Fern, please let us know. We will certainly pass them on to her so she can give you her definitive advice.

Love
Kennedy, Isabella, Kate and Scarlet

Tia Fern

2007-08-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Hello Tia,
I am the niece, conceived on a cold night high above Lake Titicaca. As you may know, Lake Titicaca lies in the Andes Mountains on the border of Bolivia and Perú at an altitude of 3,810 m. (12506 ft.). It is the world's highest lake that can be navigated by large vessels. The Lake is 177 Km. (110mi) long and has an average width of 56 km (35mi). Covering an area of about 8,300 sq km (3200sq mi), it is fed by more than 25 tributaries and drained by the small Rio Desaguadero.
A small southeastern basin called Uinamarca is linked with the northwestern part, Chucuito, by the narrow Strait of Tiquina. This in turn moderates the local climate to allow cultivation of crops not usually grown at such high altitudes--corn,barley,quinoa and potatoes. Only two indigenous species of fish, killfish and catfish, inhabit the lake. Trout were introduced in 1939. I tell you this, just in the case that you may need to know this valuable information one day.
Though I have learned to speak English, my first language is, of course, espanol. For this reason, I sometimes slip up and call you Tia Fern, and refer to myself as Prima Isabella, rather than the English version of Aunt Fern and Cousin Isabella. And to you, my dear tia, I am your only sobrina of such origins.
Life in the high Andes brought to me special circumstances, far too lengthy to detail here.
Tia Fern, I am so happy to find you again. I will collect my questions, my ponderings on life, and will certainly send them on to you soon!
con carino,
Prima Isabella

Welcome Dear People

2007-08-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dear and gentle readers,
Welcome to Just Aunt Fern's Blog. It is my hope that you are all able to bring your little and large worries to me, your Aunt Fern. I've helped countless people, in my own special way, just as my mother helped people before me.

Now, those of you who may have known my sweet, late mother, please know that I don't hold with as many enemas as she did. Somethings are meant to be put into the hands of Jesus, not into the profit margins of the Fleet Enema brand.

Now, if you have any niggling little questions, or large, soul searching ones,
Aunt Fern is here to listen and help as best she can.

(By the by, this here photo was taken of me when I was twenty years old. One of my fool nieces had it retouched and put here, since I wouldn't let them put up a more recent photo up. Danged technology.)