Ask Aunt Fern

Dear Aunt Fern;

I am in a real fix. I have recently met a man and while I don't know if he is the man of my dreams, I'm not getting any younger. He appears to be a decent, hardworking sort of man and he has asked me to marry him. I'm tempted but for one thing. He doesn't like my cats. This is a big problem. I breed pussy cats for a living!

Now my late Grandmother always told me "A man who don't like cats won't like pussy." I never quite understood what she meant, since isn't that the same thing?
Oh, Aunt Fern, what should I do? My Pussy Cats have been my life, my happiness and my livihood up until now. Can I give them up for a man?
Signed: Pussy in the Well.


Dear Pussy in The Well:
Snap to Reality, Dear. Time to stop living with the cat litter and start producing some litters of your own. A man is worth more than some hairballs on the furniture! God gave you dominion over the beasts, now time for you start thinking straight. Find homes for those critters of yours or put them out in the barn to catch some mice. Make them work for a living. A nice man to look after you? When can we expect the wedding announcement?
Yours in the Lord,
Aunt Fern.

Urgent Message From Aunt Fern! (Reprinted from The Gazette)

To All My Dear Readers.
I urge you all, my dears, to join me in a special time of deep prayer and Bible study. A wonderful man, a brother in the war against sin and the moral decay in this country, needs our prayers to ease his suffering. The Reverand Billy Graham has been in the news, on the television,in these trying days as I am sure you well know. Please keep him in your bosoms as you pray.
In the Lord,

Fern.

Emergency Response Unit!!

Dear Fumble Fingers
To more jaded ears, it sounds as though your husband may not be interested in making love to women at all. Aunt Fern may have have things right this time. You won't be having children while playing beauty parlor.
Sit your husband down and have and honest talk to him. Find out what really does get his rockets launched. If he's getting pretty for you, that might be one thing and if you can stand it, teach him how to work the danged curling iron. But if he's really getting ready for Rudy down at the Feed'n'Save, cut your losses, much as Deliah cut Samson's hair. Time for a reality check. Your hubby is playing for a whole different team.

Ask him if he has been sexually active with other men. If so, did he practice safe sex? In any case, please, please, please, go and get YOURSELF tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Knowledge is power.

Whatever the case, please find a good marriage therapist. You owe it to yourself, dear girl, to know you are not the one out of line.

Best wishes,

Kennesdy.

Uncle Bob

Aunt Fern was never a great fan of television, but for some strange reason, Star Trek was permitted. We girls were allowed to watch as the brave men and women of the Starship Enterprise hurled themselves across the Galaxy, to explore strange new worlds, fight oddly shaped pieces of plastic and foam and watch Captain Kirk narrowly avoid catching any intergalactic Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Uncle Bob would turn up like clock-work to watch Star Trek with us. His main comment generally was "They sure do have some good looking women in outer space." I still wonder if he would have enjoyed an Orion slave girl for himself, just to change to pace up a little.

To this day, Kate has a thing for men who remind her of Mr. Spock. All brain and savage willpower. Grrrrrrr. I've been known to fancy an engineer of two. "I canna hold her Captain....." Scarlet has more...exotic tastes. Isabella is more like a dedicated Romulan warrior at times, when she gets her dander up.

As for Uncle Bob, well, I'm sure the full sized framed poster of the Orion Slave girl I sent him a couple of years ago is still keeping him smiling while he watches the repeats on his DVD collection we four Divas sent him for his birthday.

Aunt Fern did not approve.

Love
Kennedy.

Emergency Response Unit!!!

Dear Puppy Love:
Ask yourself quite honestly, If you were on a deserted Island for two months, just who should go to the kennel?
I think you know any man who tells you to get rid of your dog AFTER the wedding is going to be hell on earth to live with. Think seriously now, sister.

Love,
The Divas.

(PS: We can always get you in touch with some good help lines if you need them.)

Dear Aunt Fern

Dear Aunt Fern:
My new Husband, Bobby, doesn't like my dog. What should I do?
Signed, Puppy Love.

Dear Puppy Love:
You should take take your dog to the nearest vetenarians clinics and have it put to sleep. The dog won't suffer and neither will your husband. You should have thought about this before you married your poor man! Silly girl!
Now, pray about being a good and loving wife.
Love
Aunt Fern.

Emergency Repsonse Unit!!!

Advice from the Divas:

Dear In a Jam:
Have you ever touched your bum and anal area and enjoyed the sensation? If your have tried a little gentle exploration, then go ahead and buy some K-Y Jelly (OH yeah, Trademarks all over the place) and experiment some more. If you can relax enough to think you might enjoy your hubby touching you, then yes, anal could be something you try together. But keep in mind readers: No man can just insist on a sexual practice that is potentially painful and if done incorrectly, harmful.
Love
The Darling Divas.